I have a confession to make ~ hanging head in shame ~... I started a diet.
Uhg. Yes, remember when I ranted and raved about diets and how we women are worth more than a number on a scale? Ahah, yeah, turns out I caved. And, worse, I'm spending a lot of money on this diet. So not only have a broken a personal soap box standard, but I have given in to "the man".
I know, you're shocked, thinking "How could this happen"... well I felt like crap, that's how it happened. I didn't feel like myself, I was shying away from cameras, people, love. So I decided to take the plunge, and start a diet "Take Shape For Life" is what its called. And so far, after 3 weeks I've lost 13.2 lbs. Which only means I have 50 or so more to go (I am chuckling to myself at the enormity of that number).
As much as I feel ashamed for caving to the man, and to society's view of body image. I feel hopeful, for the first time in a long time. And I feel in control of what I eat, which is an out of body experience in and of itself. I also gave up any and all alcohol. Yes, that's right, you read correctly: I have not had a drink in 3 weeks. That was rough.But I'm gaining some clarity now. Its funny that my obsession with food, and having to have a drink or so a several nights a week were as in control of me, as dieting had been for all those years.
I think what bothered me about the entire weight situation, is that I did not want my worth to be wound up in my weight. I recently heard some one near and dear to me say, "if you're weight's not right, then nothing in your life is right"... and to me that's really sad. I do so much, and love so much, and give so much... at the end of the day the number on the scale does not cancel that out, but it can inhibit it. I feel like the yoke was broken however, largely by my husband. I approached him about my feelings in an e-mail, too ashamed to look him in the eye and tell him that I felt terrible about myself, I asked him just to be patient and support me by helping me pay for it. In return he replied, "You should always know that I love you, and I think you're beautiful and there are never any strings attached to that. If it means that much to you, you can have my wallet." And in the exact moment that dieting and weight has always been a burden, it was a source of hope because I knew I had unconditional love.
So I am on a journey, and I'd appreciate your love and prayers, particularly if we're out at the bar and you see me with a giant class of water as opposed to a giant.. beautiful.. refreshing..delicious glass of beer ;).
